During work, I had to drive out to photograph and measure a home we are preparing to add to our listing inventory. As always, and especially since my car overheated due to a lack of coolant, I had my windows down so I could enjoy the scorching sun and smoldering Alabama coastline humidity. 

As I was heading down Highway 64, a rock ricocheted off my window frame and hit me hard in the ear. It was no big deal to me; I’ve been hit by rogue rocks before while driving, and one even split my eyebrow open once. However, I did say aloud how I was grateful that my dog, Kava, wasn’t riding with me because I would have been so sad if it had hit her instead.

So, you know, whatever. I turned up my radio a bit to better hear the Wilson sisters belt out “Magic Man.” I always flashback to The Virgin Suicides and feel like a BAMF when I hear that song. Even my eyelids slide down a little to give the essence of I don’t even give a crap. 

Well, as luck would have it, I WOULD give a crap…because that thing that hit me? Not a rock. No, just as I was heavily grooving, I felt something on my right hip. I looked down, a little afraid of what I would see, and it was a beetle. Phew! Beetles are fine. I mean, it was big — about the size of my index finger (which is 55mm…don’t ask why I know that), but beetles are totally benign. Then, the bastard scuttled out a little further to reveal AN INCH LONG TAIL MADE ENTIRELY OF GOO.

I can’t lie to you; after I saw this goo tail, I did what I always do in times of crisis — take a moment to turn the radio off so I can better focus on the severity of the situation. I can’t be having a soundtrack to my trauma, you know.

But really…a gooey, slimy, greasy string of yuck was following this guy wherever he went, which was all over me. What in the hell?! I don’t even understand. And here I am, driving, screaming, flailing, swerving. I have one hand on the wheel and one hand groping for something/anything to get the grossness off of me. Finally, I grab a piece of cardstock that turns out to be a coupon for a free Chick-Fil-A Spicy Chicken Sandwich. I stick it under the beetle, who is just walking freely on my fuchsia, royal blue, and grey dress like it ain’t no thang. Well, you know how beetles have those jabby little legs that stick to fabric? Yeah. I was having zero success with flicking the beetle onto the coupon thanks to that tidbit of its anatomy.

BUT WHAT WAS THIS? It was swiftly approaching the hem of my dress! That means it was on the brink of touching my skin…the brink of dragging its horrific goop tail across my FLESH. Eff no. I tossed the coupon aside, and swallowed hard. I reached down in a panic and grabbed the beetle. What resulted was that my dress was being held up and my crotch getting a fresh breath of air. I freaked out a little more as I dropped it back down with utter despair. I held my breath as its scratchy foot touched my thigh. Then I plucked that mother-effer like a champ and tossed it out the window. I actually heard it hit the pavement, which is just nasty. Siiiigh. All is well again.

I look down, and ITS TAIL WAS LEFT BEHIND ON MY FINGER. And I scream bloody murder, swerve again, and wipe the remains on the exterior of my car through the opened window. I cursed my life for having to use all my “emergency napkins” on Kava’s barfing in the backseat a few days back. Honestly, that dog doesn’t pay rent and occasionally barfs on stuff….what good is she? Anyway, I also realize that there are remnants on my dress, and I’m about ten minutes away from meeting with a client. Great. 

I do what anyone would do and utilize that Chick-Fil-A coupon yet again. I wiped The Trail of Tears (named as such because I was seconds from crying while cleaning the stripes of thick, yellow-white goo) with the edge of that card and put it atop the trash box. Uck, but finally the nightmare was over.

Well, for me anyway. I totally used that coupon on the way back into the office. Sorry, Chick-Fil-A girl.