Cooler, sunblock, and Little Mermaid towel in hand, I dropped Kava off at my mom’s house for a day of playing with Savannah Grace. I had to schedule this play date because I was off to meet the ladies for a girls’ river adventure.

I pulled up to Kendra’s place, and I barged in without so much as a knock. We’re just like that, I guess. Kendra is nowhere in sight, but her pup greets me. Without hesitation, I soak up all the doggie attention from Booter; he’s such a good boy. Allyson and Midori appear, and a few moments later, Kendra makes her grand entrance down the stairs. I present to her, with much pride, my cooler bag. I helped make this trip a reality with this cooler bag, don’t-cha-know.

We load our cooler. We load our car. We have the directions, and we’re on our way to Blackwater River. All three of us flakes (and Midori, who could only be considered a flake because she lives in Tokyo) finally made something fun happen, and I’m pretty impressed with the whole thing.

After about one and a half hours, we find ourselves at our Florida destination. The woman at the tube and canoe rental place is clearly jealous of our youth and charm, and she pretends like her snippy attitude is actually her doing us a favor. I curse the $2 convenience charge for using my debit card, and we set back out on the two-way back road.


No big deal, my cooler bag — my helpful, contributing cooler bag — is leaking…and had been doing so all in Kendra’s trunk. As I carry it, I feel like Josie Grossy in a flashback involving a backpack filled with leaking soda. Then I quickly consoled myself:


(Hey, Tumblr readers! There is a very valuable video here. Click here to see.)


We were then driven out in the bed of a large red truck with benches. I felt like I was on a hayride that twisted and turned on a backwoods, dirt road. “End of the line, prepared to get murdered” kinda stuff. We made it without being dismembered by inbred savages, so we proceeded to create rafts for our coolers and bags with nylon rope. It was successful. So there was only one thing left to do.


And we did it. We floated along lazily with Maddy and Darcy, who met us there.


It was nice to change out of that romper that I’ve been wearing for twenty days straight. What can I say? I love that thing. And I know you do that with new clothes, too.

Oh, the tubing trip! Right. You know how romper talk distracts me. Well, as we were tubing down, Maddy called out to Kendra and Darcy, who were yards ahead of us in the current. “Look at that big thing! It’s an alligator!” We both giggled and scolded her for being a jerk…until the unidentified big, alligator-looking thing ducked back under the water. At that moment, we ruled out the usual suspect (tree branch) and stood up. The water came up to about mid-thigh. Personally, I was getting frazzled because there was no bank or anything to run up on quickly — just in case. Darcy floated on, and we named her The Sacrifice. We all moved a little closer when we didn’t get a bad report.

Then, we laid eyes on a rope swing, and the alligator was long forgotten. 


Also, this crotch-sandwich may or may not have happened. Okay, the photographic evidence makes a pretty strong case, so I’ll just admit that I kept eating a sandwich off my crotch plate. Why would sanitary practices concern me when I’m out on the river? Plus, free sandwiches (courtesy of Kendra) can be tarnished by nothing.


I stared off very seriously into the distance and snapped a MySpace-style picture contemplated the events of the day. I felt the sweat, salty-sweet and abundant, running down to my lips and also pooling around my clavicle. I felt the sand in my crispy, half-dried hair. I felt the camaraderie of my friends, drunk off of the good time with nature (and off of the beer). It was a good day, and I’m astounded that we pulled it all off…. 

…and were not taken victim by alligators or homicidal bumpkins.