What if you found your soulmate…gorgeous, hilarious, talented, intelligent….and then he got his nose ripped off by a chimpanzee. It is unrepairable. He will be noseless forever. Do you stay with him and continue making love face to fave forever?

I watch Discovery Health. They make prosthetic noses and have facial reconstructive surgeries! Okay, in all seriousness, that’s my soulmate, not my aestheticsmate. I’m with him no matter what because we are connected on an incomparable level. Nose or no nose, that’s my love over there with a gaping face hole, and I will kiss the perimeter. I would probably kick that chimp’s ass, though.

Death by fire or drowning?

Death by chocolate isn’t an option? FINE. I have gone over this question in my own mind a hundred times. Here’s the thing: these options suck. Sure, I like to be warm, but there’s all that melting and burned hair smell. Drowning is a major downer because I’m sort of terrified of large, murky bodies of water as it is. UGH. Drowning.