alexieileen:

Wednesdays are my day off, and I was planning to take it easy.

I essentially canoodled with my dog and my MacBook until 1pm, then drove over to my parents’ house. I scooped up their dog, Savannah, and took both dogs for a nice fall drive to the next city over. We got out at the dog park, where I spent over an hour throwing tennis balls and spraying Kava with a hose (she has strange interests).

A double date was scheduled for tonight with my friends, Jenny and Darrel, and a buddy of Darrel’s. I hadn’t met this guy before, but we had been talking through Facebook messages. Seeing as I never date, I thought I would go out and look for a cute new dress. I know this comes as a shock to you all, since you see pictures of my clothes all the time therefore seemingly having evidence to the contrary, but I’m terribly picky — so I came home empty-handed.

But no matter! Because I returned to my parents’ house which meant dog gardens and TV! See, I get excited about cable because I don’t have any at my apartment. None. Not even those channels that everyone has. And no, I’m not one of those pretentious “I don’t watch TV” kinds of people. I love shows. I remember there were two months when I had no TV and no internet. I read nine books in two months. I haven’t read a book since then, I bet. Thanks, Hulu.

Anyway, I said to myself, Treat yourself to Jeopardy! and then go home to get ready for your date.

My favorite game show ends at 6:30, and my date was set to pick me at 7:15 at my place, which is ten minutes away. That gives me about thirty-five minutes to get dressed, do my makeup, and clean up my place a little more. Easy.

FORESHADOWING: I have a tendency to schedule everything so that I can have the most free time possible before an engagement. I allow myself zero to negative time for any fallacies or game-changers. It’s a very adult and responsible way to live your life. 

So, Jeopardy! is over, and I got the Final Jeopary question correct: “What is land-locked?” I guess I’ll take the dogs outside before I leave. I’ve got two minutes to spare.

I take Kava out, no problem. I return her to the house and try to put the leash on Savannah. MOTHER-EFFING KAVA SQUEEZES OUT THE DOOR AND RUNS OFF DOWN THE STREET.

Let me just tell you: Kava is one of those no-leash kinda dogs typically. She stays nearby and is a good girl. But she sensed that I was sort of on time. And she knew that she couldn’t let that happen.

I tried to be cool at first; I walked Savannah around and let her pee. Then, I got scared that Kava would get hit by a car, or wouldn’t come back soon, and would then get eaten by a coyote like Jessica Simpson’s pooch. So, consumed with Jessica Simpson-related fear, I ran after her. She was so amused by this. She was getting her fill of being disrespectful, and she decided to kick it up a notch by jumping into the creek. After about ten minutes of fruitless coercing, I said eff it. You can ask all of my parents’ neighbors; they totally heard me tell my own puppy to “go f*ck [her]self.” 

I stomped into my parents’ house, forever free of a butthole dog. And, just like that, Kava felt her cue to run happily up to the door. I let her in. And cussed her out. And then I cussed her out more because SHE WAS COVERED IN MUD AND CREEK WATER. This added cussing at an elevated voice level scared her, so she ran upstairs…dripping her nature juices everywhere. 

Oh. My. God. Today? Really?

So, I mopped up all the mess and toweled off the demon that had taken over my sweet dog’s body. Then — finally — I bid Savannah and her adieu. I was officially going to be cutting it very close with the getting ready for the date…and cleaning was no longer an option.

BAM!
Car accident.
Rad.

For those who give a crap about me, it’s not terrible. Some scratches and a dent on the back of my car. The only real concern is that now my brakes are acting weird. But brakes aren’t a big deal, right?

Needless to say, my very first phone call to my date went something like, “Hey! Um, I sort of had a minor car accident, and I don’t think I’m going to make it. Sorry my first call to you is weird and frantic and I’m upset.”

I think I nailed that first impression.

So, yes, I had a date tonight. But my life (a life that makes Liz Lemon cringe) pulled an Alexi, and I didn’t get to go.

(via alexieileenoutfits)