Listen, I can’t stand Twitter. However, I find myself wondering if I should have one just to catalogue my random one and two liners that I really wish I could communicate with the general public. For example:

• I just ate my weight in Taco Bell and German chocolate cake. I’ve never been happier. Or felt more like I was smuggling gold bars in my abdomen.
• Somedays I wake up so mad because I’m not at Disney World.
• What do schnozberries actually taste like? “Like Schnozberries” isn’t sufficient.
• I have a wrinkle! A WRINKLE.
• To feel like a celebrity, simply put a restraining order in place.
• I own two microwaves. What’s that all about?

But see, I don’t have an audience in the world of Twitter; I’m not into Twilight.