You know, I said “no” the first time R asked me to be his girlfriend. It wasn’t because I didn’t like him. It wasn’t because I foresaw that it wouldn’t work. It was because I wasn’t ready. My last relationship was still an open wound.

I had been with K for two and half years — and lived with him for all of that but two months. We were close as close could be. He chased me around the house with a belt for laughs, and we had shaving cream fights in the bathroom. He would hide when I left the room and scare the bejeezus out of me upon my return. I would watch movies with my head on his tummy, nestled between his bended legs. We would return home from El Giro, a little tipsy from the margaritas, and I would serenade him…this caused him to brag to many about my amazing air guitar skills.

And then it ended.

Abruptly.

And I didn’t know why for a long time. I didn’t understand how someone who was my utter soulmate could leave me…but I found out later, and it is not something we could ever get past.

Sure, I knew and I know K and I could never, ever be together again. However, I miss that closeness. At the time when R asked me to be his, I was hesitant at first and turned him down. The next day, I told him to ask me again because I was determined I could make it work. I pulled out all the stops. I did everything that K said was wrong the “right” way. I let R go to a party with his first love. I gave him space. I didn’t push or boss. I cooked and massaged and played with hair. I was convinced I did it right.

Turns out nothing will ever be right if you’re not 100% ready to be in a new relationship. I kept thinking it would help me to be over my last relationship to be in a new one with someone about whom I truly cared. Well, I can finally admit it to myself…but you may never get over your first love and you definitely don’t get over your first huge heartbreak.

In fact, my mom always talks wistfully about a boy she met while camping…her first kiss…who watched the lunar landing with her…

So, that being realized, this relationship was a goner anyway — even if R did like me and all my efforts enough not to leave. I didn’t give myself the time to prepare mentally for giving my heart away again, and the result was just a determination to make it work even if it’s going dreadfully wrong. That, of course, is a slippery slope. I advise against it, lovelies.