Dear Spanx,

I appreciate your making sausage casings for the human body; it may not always make me look skinnier, but it does make me feel more restricted, which is something I’m into. However, can I just offer a suggestion?

CROTCH SNAPS.

Because when I’m stuffed into a beyond skin-tight body glove, I may have to pee. And when I do pee, I don’t like spending an extra twenty minutes pulling off an undergarment and then another twenty minutes pulling it back on. In case you forgot, allow me to remind you that your products are clothing that stretch from my junk all the way to my upper junk, designed to squeeze me so much that people will think I’m thin. So needless to say, it’s quite laborious to throw that bad boy off and on while groaning and stumbling in a small public restroom stall.

Thanks for your consideration,

Alexi Vrabel