Somehow, these puppies plot against me at every conceivable moment. Yesterday, while on a night walk, these beasts started to play with Skipper, the Golden Retriever. I tried to keep it quiet by scooping up the dogs, but they conspired to chase 100 pound Skipper right into me…causing me to fly into the air and land on my face. My bruised knee tells the tale better than I. Then tonight, Kava was so excited to see me, she jumped in my lap and peed directly down my leg and into my vintage equestrian boot. Such angels!

The most enjoyable recent encounter with Savannah and Kava was this afternoon while driving. I always deem the weekends “Take the Pups to Work” days, and today was no exception. I had to be present for a house showing, and I didn’t want to leave the babies alone. So, I loaded their furry butts into my 4Runner, and we were on our way.

The problems always start because these are not regular pups; they are Cuddle Pups. They want to be very close to people at all times — even in the car. Savannah saw my empty lap and decided to keep it company. She may be four months old, but she weighs as much as a seven year old human. So, as my bladder was crushed and my legs developed new claw wounds, I realized something even worse.

The cute, black, bandeau-style, strapless dress I was wearing…well…was being pulled down. I’m just driving around the city of Daphne completely topless, no big deal. Every time I pulled it back over my exposed chest, the dog would shift and pull it right back down. At least thirty drivers and passengers in passing vehicles saw my A-cups. Delightful.

During all of this, Kava crawled down to her favorite awkward spot: the driver’s seat floor. She immediately falls asleep with her head on my right foot. So, not only can I not steer and not flash…now I cannot switch behind the brakes and gas easily either.

I’m pretty sure I looked like the world’s most chaotic (and slutty) driver, but the dogs were having a blast.