At the heart of everything we experience, there is something to be gained. If you try to be aware, you will see there is a learning opportunity in even the darkest of your times.

I would like to share a few specific things I’ve learned. Without this traumatic experience, I would more than likely still be none the wiser. And sometimes, trauma is the only way you can truly understand the necessity of changing and growing. To quote James Joyce, “mistakes are the portals of discovery.”

The past stays in the past. Isn’t there enough to deal with day to day? Do you really need to dredge up and dramatize events that are no longer relevant? No. Those things happened for a reason, and they’re why you’re here as you are today. You cannot change them. This is especially true for others’ pasts; don’t try to belittle your loved ones for decisions they can’t take back. They may not be the people you love without those happenings.

Don’t cross the line. You may be forgiven for taking things a little too far in the heat of an argument…but you can never erase the hurt you bestowed upon each other. Why would you ever want him or her to remember that you even thought such a thing? Trust me; some things are better left unsaid.

Celebrate every small thing. So maybe you’re not being whisked off to Paris spontaneously. So maybe you won’t find yourself under the stars listening to love songs written just for you. Be realistic. Celebrate that he kisses you goodbye every day before work. Love that he will drop your forgotten cell phone off at your office. Take a moment to cherish that he slept in with you today, even though he’s an early bird! The beautiful things are not always obvious. These little moments are the reason for all your smiles and laughs. Don’t expect too much, because chances are you’ve already got everything you always wanted. Open your eyes, and enjoy.

Remember you are separate people. You each have your own preferences, hobbies, likes, dislikes, and friends. Don’t ever try to melt into each other to become one. You will never be happy this way — guaranteed. If there is trust and love in your relationship, you will never have to worry. You each deserve your alone time, and you will both desire together time. Elisabeth Foley said, “The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.” These are words by which to live.

These may be basic concepts, but as humans, we tend to forget to use our common sense every now and again. I really hope you’ll keep these points fresh in your mind. If I had understood and accepted these concepts long ago, I can promise that I would have felt and caused much less pain.