I started a new, 100% insurance-covered therapy today. Because of all my current research and studies, I was telling the anecdotes and relating them all back to my codependent tendancies.

And she agreed that I have issues with codependency. Of course I do.

Then she said that it actually sounds like the codependency is a side note. To my therapist, it sounds like my relationship was unbalanced before I started to feel the anxiety of codependency; I was using codependency as my safety net.

I realized that I was trying to prove my love to him by helping him with everything. I tried to take all of his burdens so that he would only have happiness and ease left. If he saw how I sacrificed myself, surely he would know I love him and maybe he would love me back. This translates to: It was a bad relationship anyway.

I settled. I SETTLED. He is a wonderful person with innumerable good qualities, but I settled. [REDACTED] I stayed in a relationship that was less than my aspiration. Why? Well, like I said, he’s great. He has a hysterical sense of humor, he’s talented, he’s beautiful. Trust me, I know all of the good things; I love him as a person. I can’t speak for him, but a lot of his actions implied that the love I felt for him was not reciprocated.

It was not always this way. When it was good, it was heaven. I would thank my lucky stars all the time. I never once went to bed mad when we were together. He is actually a huge part of the reason I started believing in God again. I felt my childhood prayers for eternal bliss had been answered when he came into my life.

We’re just very different. He prefers time alone and doesn’t do well with affection. I, on the other hand, wish life were like old movies. And you know what? I would have loved for it to have been him, but I’ll find my Cary Grant one day.