Bobbleheads or Precious Moments?

Precious Moments, ahahaa! Actually, when I was a kid in the late 1980s, Precious Moments were very coveted. My Bible is Precious Moments, no less. I only bought one bobblehead in my life, and it was a Christmas 2009 gift for my stepdad. It was a bobblehead of a dog that looked exactly like Savannah. It is now on his bedstand. But, to answer your question…neither. You think I have room for tacky crap in my tiny apartment?

What would you do if your husband was sperminally challenged but refuses to admit it/do anything about it?

Sperminally challenged, eh? Well, if he refuses to admit it…it makes it sound like I’m trying to force him into humiliation, which I wouldn’t do. If he’s embarrassed about it, then we will approach it delicately. If he won’t do anything about it…well, what does this mean exactly? He’s refusing to adopt or something? Well, then he’s in trouble. But I know the man I marry will share my desire to have kids at any cost, so there you go.

Pistachios?

Yes.




Ask your own ridiculous, anonymous questions here.

Look at this puppy. Look at this little, tiny, itty, bitty, baby puppy. Do you know what she really wants? Would you like to know her dream? It’s to win Bissell’s Pet Photo Contest.

Yes indeed, Kava has somehow convinced me to enter her into the contest. She mostly convinced me with her big, brown eyes…but she also told me that if she wins a prize, we could pick a pet charity to which Bissell would donate money. Also, we would get a few more little treats — like a pet vacuum! Kava’s beautiful black fur isn’t nearly as exquisite lying atop our white carpet, so this would really be terrific.

Please, please, please help us win by voting here: 


If you do, I promise I will help you win any contest, fill out any survey for your sociology class, or let you borrow our pet vacuum.

You can vote once per day, so let’s make this happen! It’s Kava’s dream to win, after all.

Thank you!!!

For anyone who cannot link via button:
http://www.bissell.com/mvp_PetDetail.aspx?id=8590046822

This morning, while you all were already up and at ‘em, I was still dreaming. My, what a dream! I dreamt that Jesus and the Twelve Apostles were having their school pictures taken. I mean, it was exactly like when you were standing in line back in your middle school days! Some lady was handing out combs, Peter was making fun of James, and the photographer was adverting eyes slightly to the left of the lens. The group shot was the most awkward; getting all those halos in the frame was certainly a challenge.

If I farted on your head would I call you a farthead?

Well, if you’re using Andy Milonakis logic, then don’t. If you’re not, then yeah, okay. Call me a farthead.

How do you feel about the Alice In Wonderland remake?

I have to say, I have mixed feelings about Tim Burton. It could be said that he’s sort of a one-trick pony as far as goth-chic, tongue-in-cheek movies go. Then he made Big Fish, and Big Fish is my favorite movie. So, this new Alice film could go either way: cliche Burton or possibly interesting and refreshing. Of course, Helena Bonham Carter and Johnny Depp make me want to die (not in a good way) as they are cast again together. Johnny Depp in general just doesn’t do it for me as an actor. Also, I hate all of this merchandise coming out of the woodwork…it’s cheapening my cute Alice and Wonderland antiques and dishes. Blah blah. In general, I don’t like the idea of an Alice “sequel,” as this is her return to Wonderland. Since I was a kid, I’ve been very partial to the whole Lewis Carroll and Disney versions of the tale…but we’ll see. Maybe I’ll like it.

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Let me put it to you this way. If you had the opportunity to confuse, annoy, or prank an entire country, wouldn’t you do it? The namer(s) of these things saw this chance, and they took it. End of story.

Ask your own ridiculous, anonymous questions here.

You guys remember that I do costume work every now and then, right? So you recall my helping out Jitterbug Theatre Productions with Mulan, Jr.? Excellent!

Well, great news. Mulan, Jr. was selected to be one of three shows to be performed at the Southeastern Theatre Conference’s Theatre for Youth Festival, the largest conference in the United States. (Can you tell that I just finally looked up all the details?)

In one part of the play, with which you may be familiar thanks to Disney, some soliders of the Chinese army disguise themselves as women in order to save the Emperor from the Huns. In the original performances Jitterbug put on, we had the fellas don cheongsams sloppily, which was really funny. However, the director, Erin Langley, wanted to spice up the looks for these characters for the big day in Lexington, Kentucky on March 4th. (Yes, Katie, I said Lexington! Go support the Alabama youth!) These are a few of the gaudy/humorous headdresses I put together tonight, and please excuse my lack of looking decent:

Confucius say they look better on stage.

IN OTHER NEWS:


I got an amazing package in the mail from the out-of-towner. I am now the proud owner of this, his high school senior shirt. It smells so nice, you guys.

Allyson: What’s the name of the nasty guy in hp Who’s the blonde kid’s dad? He was also the douche in the patriot.
Me: Lucius Malfoy.
Allyson: This is why i keep you around.
Me: Lifeline for HP trivia? AWESOME-ASS.
Allyson: This is what i’m sayin’.

Whenever I find myself in need of answers, I know there are several places to turn. I could always talk to my family, my friends, and — of course — God. Today, I was contemplating moving away from my home of twenty-two years. I’ve done it before, and I do always get homesick and return to my hot, humid climate. On the other hand, there are things that I cannot get in a small town that I would like to have readily available to me.

Somehow, though, The Great Answerer came to me when I was researching Chicago and San Francisco. He said:

“The seaweed is always greener in somebody else’s lake. You dream about going up there, but that is a big mistake. Just look at the world around you…right here on the ocean floor! Such wonderful things around you; what more are you looking for?”

Sebastian, I know what you mean. I live in a damn utopia, it’s true. However, I think you’re overlooking a few things. I could probably find somewhere to eat at 3am that isn’t Waffle House. I might be okay with trading my warm, wonderful weather and white sand beaches for social events and culture. Oh, I don’t know. I’ll be on the fence forever if someone doesn’t kick me off it soon.

I starting watching episodes of Welcome Back, Kotter last night to lull me to sleep. I have to admit, it’s been pretty amazing to reunite with Gabe “Mr. Kot-taire” Kotter, Washington, Epstein, Horshack, and the drool-worthy Vinny Ba-ba-ba-ba-Barbarino. However, I have a new pity for Mr. Kotter that was brought on entirely by the lyrics of the theme song. 

“Welcome back. Your dreams were your ticket out…”

Looks like your dreams failed you, Gabe. Was it that you spent too much time on your absurd family anecdotes that you never made it big? And why did you return to teach at your high school if it’s such a bummer? You could just as easily move somewhere else, you know. I mean, those Sweathogs weasel their way out of being taught anyway. Between some weird telethon or simple changing of the subject…these kids never finish a lecture or test. Gabe, get in the car and go somewhere less distracting to teach. Plus, if you reminisce about your time on the varsity basketball team while alone in your classroom again, my eyes are going to roll right out of my head.

Forget Presidents’ Day and Fat Tuesday…let’s all bow down to Juliette Gordon Low! That’s right: it’s Girl Scout Cookie time, and I’m already sleeping atop crumbs in my bed. 

I ordered the new Dulce de Leche cookies, and I was pleasantly surprised that it came with more than fifteen per box. They’re pretty delicious, too. Of course, I had to buy a box of caramel, chocolate, and coconut-encrusted Samoas (pictured above) to satiate my childhood desire.

I have been asking this since 2005, but WHERE IN THE HELL DID THE TRIPLE DUTCH CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES GO?! They were my favorite, but their lifespan was only about two years. Is there a warehouse of these expired, rejected cookies somewhere? I will buy the lot.