November 2009
27 posts
Injured Hip, Y'all
Me: Just go to the hospital.
Mom: I don't know what kind of doctor I would need!
Me: Geriatric.
Mom: F*ck you.
Me: Now, that's my kind of Grandma!
Later on...
Me: I told you not to take both dogs out at once, and now you're hurt.
Mom: Those dogs are mother-f*ckers.
Female Survival Guide
I was driving home the other night, and I was deep in thought at a red light. I was thinking of what you should do if you’re in a potential rape situation. I remembered that you’re supposed to crap your pants in order to shoo off your attacker, and I was doubting my ability to crap myself on command. After a few long minutes of detailed pondering and reasoning, I remembered that...
Obligatory Yet Curvebally
Every American blog out there is showcasing its “What I’m Thankful For” list. Sure, I’m also thankful for my friends, family, blergh, blargh, etc. However, I have to tell you that what I’m really thankful for this year…is me. Now, I know what you’re thinking: Conceit! Conceit! She ain’t so great. But that’s where I’m going to have to...
Surefire Plan!
After much research and thought, I feel I have come up with the ultimate plan regarding this breakup: Don’t. Wear. Mascara. Genius, right? The wet raccoon look is so passé these days, after all.
Another One Bites the Dust
When Kyle left, I was distraught…but conflicted. I was absolutely miserable for about half of a year, and it was as much a relief as it was a blow when he walked out. Well, there’s a new breakup in town, and it has no conflict. This relationship was just over one-tenth of the length of my prior one, but it hurts much worse, if you can believe that. With Kyle, there was another woman...
The Next Morning
When the whole day is stretched out in front of you like an empty canvas (or maybe more like a big white duvet?), without responsibilities or commitments, it’s ok to relish the dull pulse of a headache. When your bedroom is warm and just dark enough, and your hair still smells like an evening shampoo, it’s alright to enjoy the way it feels to quell the mild nausea with a glass of water. When...
Tea Time
It’s old news to most of you that I lived in Savannah, Georgia for one year while in art school. My most favorite thing to do there was, surprisingly, my homework — at a place called Gallery Espresso on the corner of Bull and Perry. Sometimes, I would curl up with my laptop or sketchbook around a wonderful cheese board. Always, I would curl up with a cup of tea. My mom recently had a...
10 Things Leos Apparently Hate
According to this website, I hate the following: - People who dress better than me - People with better cars than me - Being ignored - Being provoked to jealousy - Being too cold - Being too wet - Being forced to go to church - Being trapped inside on a sunny day - Being told to slow down - Being told I can’t flirt Now, let’s analyze truthfully. - I don’t hate the people who...
Shameless Wish Lists
Friends, Family, Countrymen…lend me your eyes. I will show you exactly what I’m hoping to own — in case you’re clueless about holiday gifts for me. The items range from $6 to $189, so feel free to choose comfortably. Wal-Mart Anthropologie Urban Outfitters Thank you for understanding that I’m not asking for items, but rather beating you to the punch. Instead of...
Far the F Away
I would really like a vacation. Like, now.
Beautiful
Sometimes, I wish I could just platonically marry my friends. They really are the cutest people in the entire world. I hope that everyone sees them as I do: countless admirable and adorable qualities stacked upon more countless admirable and adorable qualities. There’s Maria who has been telling me that she “has to finish [her] novel” since she was about eight. Allyson scrunches...
Blech
Cheaters = blech. Am I right? So why do we let them get away with it all the time? Why do we never say anything when we see a taken guy hitting on chicks? Sure, it’s a tough situation. Will the cheatee believe your story about the cheater? Maybe not. Of course, they might shoot the messenger, too. However, if you really care about people who have breakable hearts, why are you making it worse...
Bangs, Anyone?
I’m having one of those days (okay, months) where I just want to cut bangs so I have something to hide my face behind. Anyone else ever consider mutilating their locks for a bit of privacy? No?
Terrible
As I was just downloading songs for my mom on iTunes (which included Flo Rida and someone called Daddy Yankee…a story for another day), I saw that Miley Cyrus has an album called “Breakout.” Um, that would be the last name I would choose as a teenager. The very last name.
Needy/Whiney/Sensitive/Crazy
Why are we girls so terrified of being called needy, whiney, sensitive, emotional, or crazy? Just because someone is too lazy to give you what you need in certain times does NOT mean that you are one of these adjectives. Even if you are being one of them, it’s not a bad thing. We’re all human. We all have needs. We cannot read minds, and so sometimes we have to ask for things like...
