January 2009
22 posts
A History in the Last Day
Today is the last day of 2008. Many of you will be celebrating the new year and all the possibilities it will bring. Here at alexieileen.com, we dwell like bitter ex-girlfriends. So, let’s reminisce the good times and the oh-so-bad times of today in the years past! Notable Events: 1695: England decides to initiate a window tax for all ye olde shoppes. Smart business-owning Brits start...
December 2008
19 posts
The Little Car That Could
Ever wonder what the best car on earth is? Well, it’s the 1997 Toyota 4Runner SR5. Sorry to break your hearts, crazy people who purposely only buy American-made cars. Because I’m no fool, this is what I drive…and I have done so since I got my driver’s license in 2002. Her name was Champagne back in her stripper days (i.e., when she was under ten years old), but now she goes...
Santa Pictures: Alexi Edition
Christmas Eve in da houuuuse! Let’s celebrate with a retrospective of some of my best moments with Santa during the 80s and 90s. Christmas 1986: My brother, Brent, is seen here at age seven…holding on to my fat three-month old hand. I have a faint resemblance to a bird in this photo. Christmas 1989: I agree; I do appear to be wearing red lipstick — to match my tights and...
Worst House-Sitter Ever
If you’re ever going out of town, don’t call me to watch your house. I will inadvertently cause you thousands of dollars in damage. Just ask my mom. While you are out of town, I’ll decide to take a bubble bath. The thing is…I’ll turn on the water, and your tub will crack gesturally in a 3’ curve. I will hear the loud cracking sound, be confused/scared, and...
Holiday Cheer for Hospitalized Girl
Hannah Garman is four years old, and she is absolutely adorable. When asked what she wanted for Christmas this year, she insisted on cards. Yeah, just Christmas cards. According to CaringBridge, “Hannah…was diagnosed in late October 2008 with a rare and aggressive cancerous brain tumor called glioblastoma multiforme. [As of November 20th,] she has had 2 surgeries to remove the...
Prank Calls
Every year, my nine best friends from elementary school and I get together for a Christmas slumber party. We play Dirty Santa, reminisce, take pictures, and create mass debauchery. One time, we rolled our 8th grade English teacher’s house; it made her cry, and I’ve never felt more satisfied in my life. In addition to toilet paper, the prank call is a staple of the female soirée. This...
A Great Cause, Starring Capucine
Remember little Miss Capucine from France? She stole the spotlight with her amazing story-telling in a previous post. Well, she’s something of a web sensation these days! She has lent her fame to helping children in Mongolia receive the school books they desperately need via a charity called eduRelief. In fact, she has drawn some amazing pictures and is selling them online. You can buy her...
Don't Forget the Pup!
During whichever holiday you celebrate this season, please don’t forget the dogs. Your pups are crucial to your health, so make sure you return the favor by upping their morale. I found some really irresistible items for them dawgs: You like this collar? Hell yes, you do. This eye-catching dog collar is made for those outdoorsy pups who are fond of swimming, as it’s made of waterproof...
Something Tasty!
Do you have 112 people on your holiday shopping list? Are you like me (definition: broke)? Well, save some dough by making delicious candy! The recipe below is for Salted Chocolate Pecan Bars, and — by God — doesn’t it sound good?! Scrumptious Ingredients: 1 cup coarsely chopped pecans 3 (4 oz.) bars bittersweet chocolate baking bars 3 (4 oz.) white chocolate baking...
Parental Untruths
As I mentioned last Sunday, today is PostSecret Day! No, this article will not be a repeat of last week’s glory. However, it will serve as inspiration for today’s post. This card below reminded me of a few things in my childhood: We all experienced parental mistruths! In fact, we’re more than likely going to pass them onto our children. And why not? It’s pretty funny and...
Poot: A Controversial Political Article
In Fairhope, Alabama (my hometown), politics have taken a turn for the hilarious. See, the Environmental Protection Agency has proposed a few taxes on air pollution, and Fairhope is trying their darnedest to do their part. The hilarity? This air pollution is comprised of…burps and farts. Yes, the US Supreme Court ruled in 2007 that greenhouse gases a là belching and flatulence lead to true air...
Letter to Santa
Dear Santa, It’s me, Lex. I’ve been kind of a butt this year, but I know you just find that endearing. So, in addition to those four PostSecret Books I mention year after year, I have included some other items that you could have your elves throw together for me. First of all, I would like to be transformed into Audrey Hepburn. Okay, okay. I know that’s more of a genie thing, so...
Jitterbug Theatre Productions
I am extremely partial to Jitterbug Theatre Productions, and not just because the owners are personal friends of mine. I support Jitterbug because they truly put children first in every project. This children’s musical theatre company was founded by co-presidents Erin and Karl Langley and is a sophisticated powerhouse of whimsy and fun. I have personally witnessed several performances of a...
This song is from the production Becoming...
PostSecret Day!
Sunday is the day to which I most look forward. Why? PostSecret, of course! It’s my moment of zen, as Jon Stewart would say. Every Sunday, Frank Warren posts twenty postcards containing secrets on his website, PostSecret. They aren’t just any postcards, they’re handmade with the innermost secret of the sender on display. Wouldn’t you love to be a mail carrier these days? ...
Totino’s Pizza Rolls: Toasting vs. Microwaving
It’s the age-old question. Once you’ve frostbitten your fingertips fishing out twenty plus pizza rolls, do you nuke them in the microwave or do you throw them in your oven? Also, in the off chance that you live humbly in a poorly equipped abode, how well does a toaster oven fair in this situation?
Upon review, it’s all relative.
Microwave: Now, this is the closest to instant gratification to...
Tumblette, Y'all!
Congratulate me already! I have officially been dubbed a “Tumblette” by Tumblr, the site that hosts alexieileen.com. This is a coveted and high honor, as it is only given to website women who are liked and followed by Tumblr staff. Finally, approval! Check it out:
Do you see me? The lackadaisical blonde revealing her armpits?! Aren’t you beaming with pride? I know it’s...
A Review in Creepy Santas
The Christmas season is once again being shoved down our throats. To knock this favored holiday down a peg or two, I would like to present to you one of my favorite yule tide traditions: the Scared Shitless Santa Photo. This is the paranoid version of the Creepy Santa photo. This little girl is playing it cool, but she remains skeptical of this jolly bastard. She’s thinking to herself, This...
Arts & Crafts: Felt Pillows
It’s time again, young ones, for a lesson in DIY. If you have a inexplicable affinity for irregular, lumpy pillows…then do I have a project for you! Make a few felt decorative pillows to brighten any room. If you are looking at the above pillows and thinking, Those look freaking terrible, then BACK OFF!! These two were the first I’ve ever made in my life, and I made them in...